Last night, Steven Seagal: Lawman premiered on A&E. The premise is that Steven Seagal, in addition to being a famous movie star (sort of, at this point) and an Aikido master, has spent the past 20 years as a deputy in the Jefferson Parrish Sheriff’s Department. Ummmm….OK! Supposedly, the show’s intro-graphics tell us, he has kept this job out of the limelight until now. I bet! It’s weird that he’s suddenly decided to let the world know that he is a police officer right when his movie career was finally taking off. Or maybe it’s just that he realized that what the world needed right now was the powerful role-model of a self-involved marble mouth wearing a police costume and using words that he clearly picked up watching Law & Order reruns on the USA Network.

Seriously, this guy knows about as much about police work as I do. Hey, Steven Seagal, I also enjoyed watching The Wire! The two episodes that aired last night were mostly just very fast jumpcuts of him standing around in the background trying to see what was going on, and shouting “get ‘im!”

After the jump, I have compiled a collection of Steven Seagal’s best police acting. This is MUST SEE TV. Dude is a legend!

“Mask.”
–Steven Seagal, 1952-2012

Steven Seagal is clearly very, very talented, and I hope that he wins the Emmy for Best Policeman! I am a life-long practitioner of having my fingers crossed out on these dangerous streets.

Comments (60)
  1. His face makes me want to ‘jectile vomit.

    • When he first said, “These are the ‘jects,” I thought he said, “These are The Jets,” and was responding to a report of a rumble with The Sharks.

  2. Not calling it Steven Seagal: Legal Eagle was a big mistake.

  3. I think we’ve…. Gotta get to the bottom of this hot fudge sundae.

  4. Steven Seagal got the mask! He got it all by himself and knew even what it was! It looks like Jason, hahaha.

  5. I’ve not been able to watch this yet, so someone please tell me: Is he a practioner of the martial arts, and if so, for how long?

  6. new meme? a relevant photo with a photoboming cop’ed up seagal saying “get ‘em” ? idk. it’s funny in my head.

  7. Intelligence is the ability to hold in your mind the ideas that, Hey, Steven Seagal here, he a movie star; and Steven Seagal can save my life, at the same time and still be able to function.

  8. Looking for jokes here, but how do you parody a parody?

  9. “Look at these guys. Look at ‘em.” You just can’t teach that, folks. PS Gabe gets all the Pulitzers for editing.

  10. i’m going to let y’all in on a secret: jefferson parish is the suburbs of new orleans. there aren’t any housing projects (or “jects”, apparently) in jefferson parish.

    • You have to say “jects.” If you say the whole word you’ve wasted precious time that you could be out looking for murderers. (If there were indeed any “jects.”)

    • I was just in Jefferson Parrish and it looked pretty hood to me. That being said, Steven Seagal is a fat clown.

      • if by “hood” you mean “looks like a bunch of low rent apartment buildings and chuck-e-cheese restaurants squashed behind a couple of giant malls, and a couple of dozen golf course communities” than yes? but if by “projects” he was trying to imply they were like the big four over in orleans, than hahaha. that’s what’s great about this. he’s trying to make the place where bobby jindal gave birth to his political career is from look ghetto and tough. and if bobby is your leader, you sure as shit ain’t hood.

        one exception would be bridge city. that place is a land of nightmares, but i doubt if he’s hanging out under the bridge. i actually think the jeff parish police pretend that place is part of st. bernard.

        • That’s exactly what I meant by hood.

        • To be fair, JP covers a lot of area and has some very rough parts.

          That said, I kept wondering if the producers chose the fattest deputies they could find to make Deputy Seagal look thin(ner) or if they are all really that fat. Watching them waddle up the street after a suspect only to be stymied after he jumped a 4-foot-tall chain link fence was priceless.

          The best part, of course, was when Deputy Seagal tried to bust the two guys sitting in a car in their driveway. After the cops do the JP bumrush on them and get them out of the car, telling them to shut up and treating them like dirt, they were found to have done nothing wrong and were left alone. I mean, it’s bad enough when the cops do it, but when it’s Steven fucking Seagal? Damn.

  11. “It’s just been revoked”

  12. Why is he the only one riding around with a bulletproof vest on all the time?? Pussy.

  13. one of his better performances…

  14. I couldn’t get the fact that i was watching Steven Seagal the moviestar out of my head. Does that mean i’m going to die?

  15. Wait, I think you’ve gotten Steven Seagal mixed up with Paul Prudhomme. Paul Prudhomme would solve all the crime with delicious crawfish po-boys, and would not have a sad, deluded reality show where he pretends like he’s not a washed-up, terrible actor and actually helps policemen who actually makes a difference for the better. Yup. Paul Prudhomme.

  16. It says a lot about my expectations when I admit that I thought this was the real trailer until a full 2 minutes had passed.

  17. deputy chad is so my boyfriend. he wooed me with tales of his bravery and heroism cleaning up the ‘jects. steven segal also asked me out once, but he looks to much like someone my aunt would bring to christmas dinner to catch my fancy. speaking of late in life bachelor face, what is up with luke wilson lately?
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

  18. “I don’t care what the score says; if this were the streets he would be dead.”

    Yeah, if after the first shot the dude taking it just stood there and let you unload three more clips into his chest and face without moving.

  19. It says a lot about my expectations when I admit that I thought this was the real trailer until a full 2 minutes had passed.

  20. haha i was waiting for this post all day :D
    saw him on the view last week to promote this shite, and that in itself was comedic goldmine
    you should totally start reviewing this. i suggest a frame by frame analysis
    this has cult classic written all over it

  21. This guy is keeping the streets safe.

  22. Is this the sequel to Cockpuncher?

  23. I know a kung fu guy who has a great story about his sifu’s sifu being a martial arts consultant on a Steven Seagal film WAY back in the day.
    Steven Seagal decided he was going to show everyone who was top dog on set by picking on the consultant, my friend’s sifu’s sifu.
    Kick + Punch + Block + Pressure Point = Steven Seagal pissed his pants.
    The moral? Don’t start a pissing contest if you’ve got a weak bladder or whatever. AND Steven Seagal is a pompous buffoon airbag, and always has been.

  24. “Steven Segal can save my life” Given that I’m pretty confident that Aikido can’t stop bullets, I’m going to go ahead and presume he means that he’s offering his services as a human shield.

  25. You can make it up: First season finale – Chuck Norris visits the Jefferson Parrish Sherriff Dept. after an inmate escapes the Texas Rangers’ jail and clues hint at him seeking revenge on his snitching brother from the ‘jects.

  26. i just realized that i thought Will Smith said “Steven Seagal” in his hit song “Getting Jiggy With It” but he is actually saying “Ciga-Cigar.” :(

  27. I wonder how all those cops gained weight so successfully

  28. This reminds me of my boyfriend in high school. He wanted to be a cop so bad. We used to drive around the “jects” and he would point out the window at drug dens (just crappy houses) and prostitutes (just sluts). And then yell at me to keep my door lock and windows rolled up as we sped away into white suburbia. I guess he got plastic surgery and changed his name to Steven Seagal.

  29. The title of this post made me think of the 30 Rock where Kenneth is seducing Tracy’s wife. Which made me read it in Kenneth’s voice in my head. “Steven Seagal is a real good police person. He does it all the different ways!”

  30. Did anyone else notice that every event was basically something pretty routine happening, but then the police officers and Steven Seagal spend several minutes talking about how dangerous busting up some kids in a parking lot was?

    Also, Steven Seagal is so super racist. 1. In the first episode, the only “criminals” he stopped were just black people doing not very important things, like STANDING NEXT TO THEIR CAR. 2. He talks to black people differently than he does to the camera, with hip “urban” words. He is the silliest/worst.

  31. her waist is the size of her forearm and her tits are as big as her head.

  32. Judging from the scenery behind her, she took that photo in the bathroom of an airplane. I think when your tits are that big, you should have to pay for a second seat.

  33. Are they not deleting this because of all of our witty comments? Because I like all of our witty comments.
    Coolforsale 137= Mathews1982 or whatever lol

    DACAKEEATUR WE ARE SO ON TO YOU

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.