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Yo cool dudes who want to find a career that is as much about their passion as it is about making money, and even cooler young women who know that the road to the white house is not paved in complaining, today I want to rap at you about togetherness. If the box office receipts for Twilight New Moon over the past couple of weeks have taught us anything, it is that when teenagers really get together behind something, someone’s going to make hundreds of millions of dollars. MEGAbass! There is strength in numbers, and there is also the reward of feeling a little less alone in this world. Plus, DID YOU SEE TAYLOR LAUTNER’S MONSTER BODY? I WISH I WAS A STUPID LAMP!
Speaking of feeling a little less alone in this world, I think you guys are really going to dig this new website I just discovered. It is very very groovy. It’s called My Life Is Twilight, and it’s just a place where you and other Twilight enthusiasts (I wish there was an easier way to say that, but there isn’t) can share the ways in which your life matches your favorite movies of all time. It’s pretty cool beans. Sorry, cool beanz. Haha, sometimes I forget!
Here are some pretty relatable examples from this totes bodacious website of how all of our lives are just like a terribly written book about paranormal abusive relationships:
- “Today I asked my boyfriend if he would hold ice to his lips for a minute before he kissed me, so I could pretend I was kissing Edward. He did. MLIT”
- “I learned songs about the Confederacy so Jasper would love me. MLIT.”
- “In the ninth grade biology class I teach, there is a boy named Ed and a girl named Bella. I have paired them up for every lab assignment we have had so far in this year in hopes that they will get together. I even asked my supervisors permission to hold a blood testing day. MLIT”
Whoops! I think that teacher has to go to jail now? For using his teacher powers to try and force children into fucking each other because he has bad taste in things? In any case, I made up a few of my own examples, because at this point, whose life ISN’T Twilight? Right, Muppet Babies?
- “It’s impossible for me to have a normal relationship with another human being because all I want to do is fuck a monster because of how confused and alone I feel. It is kind of scary how sad I get most of the time. MLIT”
- “I got a ticket for turning left at an intersection where no turns were allowed. I wish that instead of having to go to traffic court I could go to the magical Volturi Vampire Court. Maybe they could kill me! I wish I was dead! MLIT”
- “The other day, I got so mad at my girlfriend that I scarred her face for life LOL! You know how it is when you get mad. MLIT”
This website is great! It’s just a really cool ranch reminder that we live in a world full of regular, super normal people who aren’t terrifying at all! (Thanks for the tip, Caitlin and BJ.)
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I’ve been jumping off my roof in hopes the adrenaline will let me see Edward if even just for a second. MLIT
Gabe, I think we can safely assume that teacher is a she, not a he. A middle-aged cat-loving chamomile-drinking she.
That doesn’t change the fact that they STILL need to go to jail.
Whoops I double posted on accident because I was thinking about Taylor Lautner’s hairless chest. MLIT
I’m going to grow up to be a middle-aged cat-loving chamomile-drinking she. FML.
….Um. I mean…. MLIT.
I beat my girlfriend, Rihanna, repeatedly in the face in a parked Ferrari. MLIT
MEGAbass! <<
The rest of my comment disappeared!
I said:
“MEGAbass!” is what Gossip Girl’s Chuck Bass named his penis.
I’ve been making out with my German Shepherd while pretending he’s Taylor Lautner. MLIT
I sat quiet and thoughtless in the corner of the cafeteria for a couple of years until a strange and violent boy took an interest in me for no fathomable reason. MLIT.
ive really been cutting myself. alot more then normal. MLIT
My boyfriend has his own personal brand of Heroin, it’s called Black Tar. MLIT
I’ve been working on exploding my t-shirts off my body, and I only have 2 left now. My mom won’t buy me new ones because she says I’m being a jackass and werewolves don’t even exist. MLIT (and FML! I h8 my mom!!!)
Wow, Captain, sounds like your life really IS Twilight! CLIT
3 wolves moon shirt re-forms after a warewolf shift, check it out.
Whoops. Sorry, Japan! We’re just as (more?) weird!
HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS. For real though, are you reading this? They could fill all the jails in all the world with some of these people.
I’ve rubbed off on my 5 year old son. We were at a party last week and he was playing w/ a little girl. They were running around playing make-believe. The little girl was pretending to be a princess. My son was pretending to be a vampire so he could run really fast and bite her. That’s my boy!
Yeah. reading all of these is making me loose faith in humanity. like, I just asked Santa for 2012 for Christmas. also i sparkle in the sun (because my lotion has glitterz) MLIT
it takes a real lapse in judgment to write, on the internet, I’VE RUBBED OFF ON MY 5 YEAR OLD SON.
“There’s gotta be a better way to say that.”–Michael Bluth
[mental] babies having babies…
I read “I’ve rubbed off on my 5 year old son.” and totally got the wrong idea. I had to reread thrice.
I’m really sorry, but I actually couldn’t read past the first sentence for a full 30 seconds. At that point I wanted to send everybody to jail, including me.
And I guess this is a sad story in the sense that I then read the rest of this and it almost/(only?) got worse.
My boyfriend scares me by driving recklessly. MLIT.
OMG! OMG! OMG!!!! ONLY SEVEN MONTHS ‘TILL ECLIPSE!!!! 2010 IS GOING TO BE TEH BEST!!!
I listened to the same Lykke Li song for 3 months and now I no longer like music, but I want to ride motorcycles. MLIT
My real name is Robert Weston Smith and I am gravelly-voiced, American disc jockey who became world famous in the 1960s and 1970s. MLIT
I pretended to be a 17 year old boy so I can attend high school and make out with a 17 year old girl, wait what website is this?
4chan is spamming them. the saddest-nicest vs. the saddest-meanest. monster vs. monster. MLIT.
Here is one I found I cant belive this really exsists
Today I was a little upset. My mom keeps telling me that Edward isnt real and it was really freaking me out. What did I do? I ran straight to my room and sat next to my card board cut out of Edward and reread my favorite parts of the books. I feel so much better now! MLIT
new game who can find the worst post from MLIT
This one scared me the most. “Since I started reading Twilight, I’ve started using the big words that they use in the books! And I’ve looked them up to see what they mean, so when my friends want to know what one of those big words mean they come to me
!!! Thanks Stephanie for using them LMAO! xo MLIT.”
So you’re telling me she’s saying ‘manfully’ a lot. As in, “Edward ate his cake manfully.”
im an old man who is interested romantically in high school aged children. MLIT!!!
Coming up with a good MLIT is the hardest thing I’ve had to do in 100 years.
I’m not sure how to feel about this one. LOL awesome?
Last night when I was walking home from the bar because I am a maritime lawyer I accidentally tripped down the stairs and this guy caught me. His name was Edward. We talked for a while and he asked me how old I was. I said 24 and he replied, “How long have you been 24?” We’re going on a date. MLIT.
#174 (0) – Nov 30, 2009 05:08 PM by Chereth Cutestory
This story involves ADULTS. What is this world coming to?
I vote LOL Awesome. Any use of Chereth Cutestory is a-ok by me, especially with the really awkward note “because I am a maritime lawyer I accidentally tripped down the stairs”. Maritime lawyers don’t know how to use their land legs.
wait wait wait, a maritime lawyer?
you’re a crook, captain hook! judge, won’t you throw the book at the piraaate?
I regularly apply several layers of Silver sulfadiazine to my skin and took a job in a meat packing plant so that I sparkle in the sunlight and am cold to the touch. MLIT.
I smell a To Catch A Predator Crossover!
I live in Seattle, Washington. But, I have yet to go to Forks. I have gone to Port Angeles and eaten Mushroom Ravioli with a Coke. But I have never gone to Forks or La Push. I fear that I never will be able to with a Twilight hating mother and father. Someone come and take me? Please? MLIT
no. these are sad and i need to stop reading them. but it’s like i’ve become obsessed with something horrible and bad for me. MLIT
I honestly have never so much as seen a minute of either of the Twilight movies. Thankfully, my life is NOT Twilight. (TMLINT)
I’ve been imprinting every baby i’ve come across since Labor Day. MLIT
PEOPLE ARE AWFUL
PEOPLE ARE AWFUL
x2 for emphasis
Wow, it seems like MLIT about 19 years ago when I was trying really hard to be a werewolf at school and bit my friends arm. He cried out in pain. I sat in the hall for the rest of the day(?). My life is Twilight?
whoa! has never seen me and wishes I would go away. MLIT
Today I found myself really attracted to a slab of marble, because it reminded me of Robert Pattinson’s face when he is dressed as Edward Cullen. MLIT.
That is a real thing that someone wrote.
The other day, I was laying down with my boyfriend. He put his cold feet against me and asked if he felt like Edward. I said yes. He then put his warm hands on my face and asked if I felt like Jacob. I also said yes. I have the best of both worlds. MLIT
I don’t know if these are tears of laughter or if i’m weeping for humanity.
i cut my finger while preparing dinner tonight and my boyfriend bolted in distress because even though he thirsted for my bood he didnt want to hurt me MLIT
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. I grabbed his manly p**** in my hands and screamed, as he bit my neck. I felt the vibrations running through my body and truly believed I was becoming a vampire. He then said “Never leave me, Bella”. MLIT
……i honestly don’t have words.
I think my favourite part of that is that she felt the need to clarify that his penis was manly.
I think my favourite part of that is that she felt the need to clarify that his penis was manly.
I’m a divorced dad who, along with my single buddy, got into a hilarious escapde involving a guy in a gorilla suit after my ex-wife showed up insisting I babysit the two kids I didn’t know I had. MLIT.
Oh, wait, no…I mean, MLIOD.
hahaha… i saw old dogs over the holiday weekend. i think twilight would have served up better comedy. old dogs should be a serious candidate for worst movie of all time.
i stood in the sun all day hoping for a glitter tan. all i got was a sunburn
MLINT
This reminds me of a caller from some radio sex advice show.
“Before we have sex, my fiance likes for me to lie in a bathtub full of ice cubes for about half an hour before hand, and then I lie perfectly still on the bed while he has sex with me. Is that weird?”
Answer: YLIT
I think the police and FBI should monitor this Web site for potential child abuse suspects and pedophiles, as it seems that every person on here is criminally insane. Case in point: “My 7 year old nephew is reading Twilight. I feel so proud that I brainwashed him into loving it. MLIT” YIKES.
This one is hilarious, mostly for the end:
“Today, my sister and I were arguing about whether our 2 year old sister should be team Edward or team Jacob. The fight ended up getting physical. I got grounded for biting and calling my sister a mutt. I’m 17. She didn’t get grounded because my mother “feels bad for Jacob.” FML/MLIT!! ”
I think FMLIT needs to be it’s own thing … when people realize that their life is twilight, but aren’t happy about it.
I just copied and pasted this edition of Teen Korner into Notepad so I can read it at work. #grownupsuck
An actual post on MLIT:
I was so upset about this 4chan stuff that I ran to my collection of twilight memorabilia and grabbed one of my books. I went to my bed to lay down and read it and it was the Breaking Dawn book and it opened right up to where Bella awakens as a vampire. It was a sign to persevere!
Color me not surprised.
Um…SPOILER ALERT! JEEEEEEEEEEEEZ! MLIT FML FML FML FML!!!!!
Whhhhhooops.
Today, I tried to poke my neck with a barbecue fork so I could make my friends think I was bitten by Edward Cullen. However after I blacked out, I woke up in the emergency room, and my doctor looked exactly like Jacob Black!!!1! MLIT.
duh, the doctor is carlisle cullen, not jacob black. oh, shit…MLIT.
Well, that’s relieving! I wouldn’t want a twelve year old wolf-boy doing my blood transfusion. The vampire is definitely the smarter choice.
I honestly can’t tell which of these are real and which are being made up.
I wish Twilight were a musical so that I could SUPERhate it instead of just regular hate it. #sigh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u0ChcRhNZY.
you’re welcome
Just wanna toss this into the fray….
oh, upvote forever. it’s like i never have to cry about wasting money on the movie! also i think that dog is my boyfriend. MLIT
Oh that is HIGHLY excellent!
I am sexually dissatisfied. MLIT
“Today, I feel asleep at school. My classmates joked and mentioned it was probaly because I hungered for more blood. I laughed and secertely inside wanted it to be true. I grasped my Cullen family seal pendant even harder afterward. MLIT”
I could really feel the emotion behind that one.
when the song possibility (where the seasons pass and bella is despressed) came on I did the same thing bella did. I sat at my window staring out with a blank expression on my face except I was crying because I felt like a whole was ripped through my chest. I felt like edward left me. MLIT
#493 (0) – Nov 30, 2009 10:34 PM by Bitten-By-Edward – Love -
I hope she cuts herself -_-
The “song possiblilty”?
My two favorites:
“A week ago I was returning to my car after school, I was fumbling with my keys. A thought came to mind wondering if I dropped them will Edward snatch them up before they enter the muddy puddle? They dropped. No sign of a beautiful hand. They hit. I cried. I sobbed. I slipped. Still no Edward.”
“Yesterday I was at a farm, and there were a bunch of lambs in a group playing. I noticed one lamb was all alone in the corner so I went over to her and said “Don’t worry, you’ll find your lion someday” ..People heard. MLIT”
I like how this website shows the thin line between enthusiasm and insanity.
Once again I managed to arrive at a Videogum post 3 hours late, despite having no job and nothing better to do than read stuff on the internet. There are tons of comments already and, of course, whatever I post will be lame and nowhere near as funny as the rest, and probably not even read by anyone. I would go and read Twilight and put sparklies on and lie down in the freezer to get real cold like a vampire, but I really can’t be bothered. Plus, to top it off, I am all out of corn chips, but I have plenty of salsa. MLIT.
I haven’t been able to post on videogum because I’ve been reading these instead of working for the past 4 hours . MLIT? Well, is it?
I saw MLIT on the hoaders post comments and automatically assumed it stood for “My Life Is Terrible”, ya know perhaps similar to Fuck My Life stories… I’m pretty sure it still applies for all of these scenarios… much more than “My Life is Twilight”
Oh, I just turned beet-red reading this one:
I was working in the yard, and everytime i walked in the sunlight i pretended that i could sparkle and that Edward was there. then, i remembered the scene in New Moon when Bella is a vampire and they are in Italy, and i started to run slowly and act it out.
My sister thought I said ?My Life is Toilet.? We had much lolz. She quickly joined the sight to ?tweet ironically to her friends.? I am such a kool bro right now. And all her 17 y/o friends are going to be like OME(dward) Didja hear about this AXESOME site? MLIT EVERYDAY!
I posted a sarcastic reply after laughing at a hilarious article. MLIV
i put on diamond cream in order to sparkle like edward. MLIT (a million fuckin diamonds!)
My ENTIRE life is devoted to Twilight. My friends shy away from me because they think I’m crazy. They hate it when I talk about Twilight. I’ve seen both movies MANY MANY MANY times and I’m basically broke because I spend all of my money on merchendise. Above all I live my life as Bella DAILY!
MLIT
I was reading these with my mouth hanging open in disbelief/terror. I have sometimes worried that I am as obsessed with Harry Potter as these people are with Twilight, BUT than I read things like this and I remember that I am not totally insane!
“Today I was sitting next to a boy in my science class, I suddenly touched his skin and said ” you’re pale white, and your skin is ice cold ” turns out he was sick. MLIT”
I’m laughing, but also vomiting a little.
I can’t even think of something to post on MLIT. That’s how socially inept I am. MLIT.
i play in a company softball league on tuesdays. last week i was out in left field when susan from payroll hit a real dinger out my way. i saw it coming and next thing i know im just FLYING through the air like a bat and i catch the ball 30 feet off the ground and everyones cheering and smiling at me while im zipping around up there. turns out the ball hit me in the head and i got a severe concussion. they say i was out for about 2 minutes. the best 2 minutes ever. my L is soooo T.
I have cataract in my eyes that block out most of the light. I’m legally blind in my left eye and my right eye is so bad that I can’t drive unless it’s midday and uncloudy. At night I pretty much can’t see anything, and reading books is basically impossible even in the brightest light. I get bad headaches. MLIT
JORTS! MLIT!
I’m a bored housewife who channels her loneliness and romantic longing into a diary. Someday, when I write enough entries, I will turn that diary into a novel. MLIT
After mom kicked me out of the house for having a stupid haircut (that SHE made me get!), I pretended a tree was her and stabbed it a bunch until I got numb cuz it was snowing and then my friends the forty year old serial killer and the twelve year old transvestite vampire went to the park and drank some homeless guy’s blood and let me watch and it was funny cuz he was all like “AKkaaUGh” and his eyes were doing funny stuff too! My Life Is Let The Right One In! (MLILTROI)
We have all seen Let the Right One In, yes? Consider it the Anti-Twilight, and as such is required viewing until this particular zeitgeist decides to do the right thing and crawl under a porch somewhere to die.
“I’m watching Roseanne reruns. She goes to get in a tub, and someone says “the water is 108 degrees” … I immediately screamed “JACOB!”
I also do this whenever it’s 1:08 time-wise.
What teh fuck is MILT??
I got up, took a steamy shower, had sex with a repairman, had sex with a brunette friend, then had sex with a whole football team. MLIP.