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You’re kidding, right, Gossip Girl? So you have completely given up, right? Just let us all know if you have completely given up, because I think a lot of us would like to give up, too. There is nothing more irrelevant than a holiday special that airs AFTER the holiday. As if this show wasn’t already careering towards a shameful mid-season cancellation. The moment that Nate Archibald steps into an MMA cage is the moment that we will know we can finally delete our season passes from our DVRs. And it’s not as if there wasn’t a rerun of Gossip Girl on the CW last week. There was! Why couldn’t they have just run this Thanksgiving episode then? Oh, this makes me so mad. Anyway, it’s Thanksgiving! Yay or whatever!

Rufus, the show’s resident moron (and that is really saying something at this point) is getting ready to cook the traditional Humphrey meal, because if there is one thing we know about Rufus, it is that he loves neglecting his children to cook! But Lily explains that Serena isn’t coming to Thanksgiving, and her mother is too sick to travel, so it’s just going to be the two of them, plus Eric and Jenny and Dan, so maybe they should just order food so that they don’t have to cook. Rufus agrees, because Rufus is a coward. Seriously, though? They have a secret lovechild (who was not invited to Thanksgiving?) and they have had a torrid love affair and are now married, and Lily still doesn’t know that Rufus enjoys cooking? Perfect. I bet that their relationship is a really happy one. Why am I talking about their relationship as if it is a real thing? I guess because I am hoping that if I pretend their love is real, then I will be able to pretend that murdering them is also real.

Serena isn’t coming to Thanksgiving because she is…ending her affair with Trip Archibald? She goes to his house and is like “you have to tell me that you’re not leaving your wife because of me.” Ugh. Of course. Of course Serena would immediately assume that a congressman divorcing his wife is just about her. What a c-u-n-t-word. She explains that she can’t keep seeing him, which is why she lied to her mother about where she was spending Thanksgiving and booked a hotel room? If anything this show makes TOO MUCH sense. But Trip’s wife decides that she doesn’t want to get divorced until after Thanksgiving (fair!), so now Trip can’t not have an affair with Serena in her hotel room (huuuuh?) because he has to not have an affair with Serena with his wife, who, incidentally and by total surprise, runs into Lily on the street who asks her to come to Thanksgiving because maybe if she and Trip come over then Serena won’t have to work in that stinky soup kitchen. So, just to clarify: Lily wants a congressman who she has heretofore never had any interaction with to come to her house for Thanksgiving in order to get her daughter to stop doing charity work (which she isn’t doing anyway because she lied because that is what soup kitchens are for: sexual deceptions)? The homeless people are like “I just hope everything works out for all of you.”

And then Lily makes a normal human being face like we all do.

Cool face, Lily! You look really regular.

So, basically, to make a long story that doesn’t make any sense ever anyways short (but still very confusing), EVERYONE is now coming to Lily and Rufus’s penthouse for Thanksgiving, including Chuck and Blair and Blair’s mom and Vanessa and Vanessa’s mom and CeCe. And they are all there under separate pretenses in order to manipulate each other. Although the award for Best Contrivance goes to CeCe, for getting her e-Vite over videochat.

You know how grandmas are, always using their tiny baby nightmare computers to do so much videochatting. And you know how stepfathers and stepsons are, always sipping coffee and having a videochat. THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT FAMILY.

Of course, everything blows up all at the same time. Blair is mad at her mom because she thinks her mom is trying to secretly change her will because she is secretly pregnant (because apparently Blair is the only person in the world who hasn’t noticed that her mother is a 17,000-year-old lycan), and Trip’s wife gets mad at Serena, and Nate gets mad at Trip, and Vanessa gets mad at her mom (who is seriously the most two-dimensional character that has ever been on TV. At one point in the episode, she is quoted as complaining that Thanksgiving is just a conspiracy on the part of the food industry. THE FOOD INDUSTRY! That’s not even a fucking THING) and Lily is mad at CeCe and Eric and Jenny also get in a fight, and all the while, a remix of the Imogen Heap song is playing, because if Hollywood is out of ideas, then Josh Schwartz is apparently double dog out of ideas.

In equally quick succession: Blair and Serena make up. Oh good. I was worried that their friendship might never be instantaneously repaired in a two-minute long scene that renders everything that has happened over the past month irrelevant! Blair also makes up with her mom, who is not pregnant (ah-no-doy) and is moving to Paris (as if she has even been on this show in the past six months? I love when Gossip Girl feels like it needs to explain where a character that you weren’t thinking about has been all this time, and why they are going to keep not being on the show. Phew!). It’s actually Dorota who is pregnant. (Earlier in the episode, Blair threatens to call INS on Dorota in order to get what she wants. LOL?) And Lily explains to Rufus that she was visiting her mom because she loves her mom, but that was a lie, and she was actually on a mysterious trip somewhere. Where was she?! Maybe she was busy building a time machine which is why Thanksgiving is happening half-a-week late this year. (Still mad.) And Vanessa and her mom make up, too. So almost everyone is made up. Except for Eric and Jenny. But who cares about Eric and Jenny.

Meanwhile, Trip is STILL going to leave his wife despite Nate’s attempt at secret elevator security footage blackmail. And he explains that to Serena that he doesn’t care about anything except for having her by his said. Really? Because you just worked really hard to get elected to THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS, and Serena is a 18-year-old HUMAN GARBAGE. So maybe you should care about better things. He says that he is going to wait in the car for her, and Blair tells her to go get in that car. Huh? What is wrong with all of these people? Blair is like “I used to have the moral fortitude to recognize that your budding relationship with an older married congressman was inappropriate and unwise, but now that he has asked you to fuck him in a limousine, I am realizing that you totally should.” That is what friends are for! Nate tries to stop Serena because he wants to fuck Serena instead of his cousin fucking Serena but Serena is like “no, I think I’m going to fuck your cousin.”

And Dan loves Vanessa because this romantic-sexual revolving door only has so many slots.

Next week:

Comments (21)
  1. Listen, I don’t consider myself an evil or hateful person who wishes bad things on others. But when next week’s preview came up, and they showed Serena unconscious in what looked like a car accident…I cheered a little bit. :-/ I’m giving this show one more week to redeem itself.

  2. things certainly seem to be heating up!

  3. “and all the while, a remix of the Imogen Heap song is playing, because if Hollywood is out of ideas, then Josh Schwartz is apparently double dog out of ideas.” < the best.

    i have never watched gossip girl out of stubborn defiance, but i always read your recaps, and this review is the most hilarious of them all.

  4. “Do you have anything to say to me?”
    “Your sweet potatoes are bland.”

    OH NO HE DIDN’T.

  5. Oh god, i hope they’re going to do a shark-jump Mischa Barton-esque slaying.

  6. nothing makes sense on this show, especially the first picture when everyone is eating carved turkey but there is still a whole huge uncarved turkey taking up table space.

  7. You guys, what about the fact that Blair had a relapsed back to Season 1′s SADNESS PIE SCENE???

  8. Blair is like “I used to have the moral fortitude to recognize that your budding relationship with an older married congressman was inappropriate and unwise, but now that he has asked you to fuck him in a limousine, I am realizing that you totally should.”

    Of course Blair’s supporting this, didn’t she lose her virginity fucking Chuck in a limousine? Oh dear, I am remembering past plotlines. :/

  9. Ugh, Vanessa’s mom. “Well, I guess I’m just different from you. I care about people.”
    Remember when we all thought Blair was evil? And then it turned out she was kind of awesome (crazy, but awesome), and then we were introduced to Vanessa, who was insufferable? And now we’re kind of cool with her, so her awful mother comes in.
    This show! It keeps introducing us to awful people, making us (OK, me) like them, and then showing us someone who’s even more loathsome. By May sweeps they’ll probably bring in Jeff Dunham.

  10. when that Imogen Heap “remix” appeared on the soundtrack, I will confess that I was really hoping that the grand contrivance thanksgiving dinner would be interrupted by gunplay. Instead, all we got were dagger stares and huffy exits.

  11. 2day, I v-chatted my g-ma about my food industry dinner party, then did some SEXTing with a married congressman in the back of his limousine (at my bestie’s behest, obvi). MLIGG

  12. recipe for this show: 1) “I am going to do something behind your back because I AM THE WORST” 2) “five minutes later, you are going to find out about this because I AM THE WORST (at keeping secrets)” 3) REPEAT x INFINITY.

  13. Maybe Dorota’s baby is gossip girl. This drama is so predictable, a baby can see what’s going to happen next.

  14. I can’t even believe you didn’t mention that Serena wore a catsuit to Thanksgiving dinner.

    • oh, moonvest. thank you. I was sitting here trying to remember what had horrified me the most about the episode, but my weary brain blocked the black jumpsuit visuals.

      I felt almost as appalled and repulsed as I did on real-life thanksgiving, when my sister came downstairs in the tiniest dress in the world and my mother called her a ho and refused to allow her into the car.

    • a catsuit with a lace inset down to the navel, no less. Serena’s bra-less wonder titties mustn’t be contained.

  15. Nate: “Someone has to get through to Serena!”
    Chuck: “We both know Serena so we know that whoever tries to do that should bring a sledgehammer.”

    That really felt like a zing to me. Like a real, bona fide zing.(Because she’s dumb, and also because everyone wants a sledgehammer to connect with Serena.) But apparently it wasn’t? Chuck was just saying she’s adorably stubborn? Ugh. This show.

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