lovely_bones_poster.jpg

For the record (again) I hate Alice Sebold’s book The Lovely Bones. It is the Tuesdays with Morrie of horrific child-rape-homicide. “Rarely have I been so uplifted by a horrific child-rape-homicide. The last time I felt this great was watching Roberto Benigni’s hilarious romantic comedy about Jews dying in concentration camps.” But man, whatever you think of that book (whether you hate it or whether you super-hate it), you have to admit that this poster is the new creepness.

“I THINK THERE’S BEEN A RAPE UP THERE!”
–Bavid Drent

“UGH UGH UGH.”
–Santos Claude

“This holiday season, heaven is just a brutal rape-murder away.” That is what the tagline for this movie should be. “In cornfields, no one can hear you raped.” Look at her eyes. “Uh oh, is that a rape up ahead?” Yup. She’s walking right towards a super-scary rape. Oh hi HEAVEN! I see heaven poking through the clouds. “Dear Susie, my name is heaven and you have been raped.” I want to throw this movie in the fires of Mount Doom. Get it? You get it. If anyone sees this poster and is actually MORE inclined to go see the movie, they have to watch it on the bus to jail. WE’RE GONNA NEED A FASTER BUS!

Comments (66)
  1. never have I seen a technicolor child that made me feel as sad as this one does.

  2. *wait for the rape-rape joke*

  3. Good post Gabe but you really should have squeezed in the word rape more. and maybe a rape-rape for good measure.

  4. Is the book actually supposed to be happy? Judging from the blurb on my mom’s copy and the trailer, it looks incredibly depressing with a few “hey the afterlife is probably pretty boss!” moments.

    • It’s supposed to be uplifting because the characters figure out how to live their lives DESPITE the fact that their little girl/sister has been raped and killed.
      It’s like, the definition of THE. WORST. It’s also ridiculously schlocky. And manipulative.

      • Speaking of feel good rape-rape books and their feel good rape-rape movie adaptations; what’s the deal with Precious? I work at a book store and people have been all about that book/movie for weeks. Like genuinely excited, jumping up and down, “This looks great! I can’t wait to read this! Better get it in before the movie!” about it. And its about an obese 16 year old who is rape-raped (repeatedly) by her father (incest-incest) and becomes pregnant twice from it. Talk about manipulative and schlocky and why-the-hell-are-people-inspired-by-this.

        • That’s really not what the whole movie is about. It’s about Precious trying to get out of the shitty circumstances brought about by the incest and just her horrible homelife in general. Most of the rape-rape happens in flashbacks (not that it makes it better) and takes up about .1% of the film’s running time.

          But yeah, judge a movie without seeing it, that’s ok too.

    • My mom kept trying to get me to read this book. When I asked her what it was about, she said, “It’s about a little girl that gets raped and killed by a pedophile, but that’s just the start of the story. The book is really about her family trying to find her killer and the little girl watching them mourn from heaven.” Thanks Mom, but I’ll just go ahead and inject a bunch of seratonin directly into my brain if I want a serious case of the sads.

  5. When involved in a film about a rape-murder, mentioning things “that came after” is not the finest wording one could place in the tagline.

  6. “Rated PG-13 for Child-Rape-Homicide”

  7. Nice bellbottoms.

    [I don't feel like getting into the rape jokes right now.]

  8. How dare you insult “Patch Adams Goes to the Holocaust.”

  9. All the rape-rape jokes! We’re gonna need a bigger rape.

  10. Rape-murder-rape-rape may be the worst, but those pants are a close rape-second.

  11. This rape movie’s title is almost “The Lovely Boner”

  12. I see Fran Walsh’s calling card all over this lunch-hour raffle bucket of a film-poster.

  13. The film description really isn’t as bad if you mistake rape for rape.

  14. There’s something rape-rape with Esther.

  15. This made me all sorts of Lots Of Love. What? That’s perfectly good grammar; shut up.

  16. I feel like this movie poster is going to follow me out to my car…

  17. looking at this poster reminds me of when I had too analyze poems in 8th grade and the only literary device I knew about was metaphors…”you see she has light around her so she is pure and innocent, while he has darkness around him so he represents all that is evil.” It is just trying way to hard.

  18. Whenever I see someone reading this book I steal it and hide it from them. Just my little way of being a good samaritan. Now how am I going to hide all the movie theaters at once. . .

  19. We’re gonna need a bigger icicle stabbing me in the head!

  20. I heard they took the rape-rape out of the UK version.

  21. so who plays the rapist? stanley tucci? to me, that looks like joey pants…

  22. That designer is getting their Thomas Kinkade on.

  23. “Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets raped.”
    -That Poster

  24. Does anyone know if Peter Jackson signed that Roman Polanski petition? Maybe that explains why he directed this movie.

  25. I know I’m going to get minused for this, but I actually enjoyed this book. I didn’t see it as glorifying or romanticizing child rape/murder. It’s been a long time since I read it, and I’m not saying it should be required reading in Am. Lit. 101 or anything, but I remember it mostly being a story about a family dealing with tragedy, and a young girl coming to terms with her own horrific death while observing the aftermath. I agree with Gabe on many, many things, but I’m going to have respectfully disagree on this issue.

    I’m much more excited about The Road though. That has to be a Videogum Movie Club movie, right?

    • Though Gabe’s complaints are noted, I think this is more about the poster, not necessarily the book / movie.

      • I know, but I felt the need to respond to the first sentence of the post + all the comments bashing the book/movie. I’ve got nothing to say about the poster except “nice pants!”

  26. say what you will, peons, brian eno is scoring this thing.

  27. I don’t get movies/plots like this. They go to great lengths to sketch out an “afterlife” in heaven, but nobody is ever calling bullshit on god when they get there. Such as, we are to accept this sun-streaked heaven, but is no one in charge? I tend to think that things like child-rape&murder are arguments against the idea of there being a heaven in the first place. Like, if s/o you knew had been raped/murdered and you got to heaven, wouldn’t you scream what the fuck have you assholes been doing up here, people are getting raped and murdered while you’re painting or whatever. Religious people, Mormons, Stephanie Meyers fans, Twiharders, enlighten me please.

    • God gave us free will so we could decide to love him, being forced to love him doesn’t feel as great for god, but because we have free will we can also decide to rape people for wearing whimsical attention-whore pants.

  28. I don’t hate this movie because it makes rape a magical fairytale, i hate it because it’s a tired thriller/drama story, spruced up by superfluous and shallow supernatural elements, pretending to be a groundbreaking genre.

  29. my favorite english teacher (ALRIGHT it gets worse!) back in high school suggested I read this. I don’t know if I’m more offended that she told a sixteen year old to read a rape-rape book about a rape-raped sixteen year old or if it was because one of the dead girls had been Viet and surprise! So am I! Not enough ): to express my ):

  30. I’m late TO THIS ONE but I think I’LL HOLD OFF on this one UNTIL HE RELEASES the extended EDITIONS where the GIANT FUCKIN trees SMASH THE SHIT out Rapey McRaperson.

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