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Energy drinks!

I know that many of you cool dudes and even cooler young women are reading this on your smartphones right now, because that is the only way to access the NET when you are spending the week in sleeping bags in front of the movie theater waiting for Twilight New Moon to open. Did you keep your pre-purchased Fandango tickets in your velcro wallet or a special pocket in your Dora: The Explorer backpack? (Mom won’t get me a new backpack until next year, she says this one works perfectly fine even though I HATE it and I HATE her.) I’m only asking because I am nervous that if you keep gripping your pre-purchased Fandango ticket like that you’re going to sweat off all the ink and they won’t let you in. Base-jumping!

Obviously, New Moon (AHHHHHH!) doesn’t open until tomorrow (NnnnnnNNNNNnnnNNNNN!) and you haven’t even seen it yet, so it might seem like a waste of time to talk about what to get excited about after New Moon. That’s like spending Christmas Eve talking about which holiday you’re looking forward to most. But what if I told you that this St. Patrick’s Day was going to star HANNAH MONTANAAAAAAAAAAA! Whoa, you guys. Let’s all take an X-BOX and just CHILLAX. Sometimes life is just too much.

The Last Song trailer, you guys:

So Miley Cyrus is a mummy who goes to live with her dad who has an ancient feud with the banshees, but then Hannah Montana falls in love with a sand worm and her brother is a baby Beetlejuice.

MY VAGINA IS POUNDING SO FAST!

Cool beans? More like the coolest beans!

Comments (46)
  1. Brawndo!

  2. This is one of the 10 funniest posts on Videogum ever.

  3. “MY VAGINA IS POUNDING SO FAST” – classic.

    but man miley cyrus is looking pretty torn up in this film. she looks like an ape ( hunchback, duhhhhh face). I’m sorry to hurt your feelings, apes. she is just a city girl with city girl

  4. I keep my pre-purchased Fandango tickets in the pocket of my ‘ROOS. Obvs.

  5. Hot volleyball tournaments, sea-shell outlining, writing “Forever” on your first kiss’ Chuck Taylors… I smell new TEEN TRENDZ IN THA WORKZ!!! OMG ? OMG ? OMG itz here tonight OMG ? OMG ? OMG ? XoXoXo ? sparkle

  6. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! This is like the coolest time to be alive ever!!!

  7. i’m already in line to never see this.

  8. Miley’s voice is gettin deeper. And it’s kinda mannish.
    I like that.

  9. NnnnnnNNNNNnnnNNNNN! is new my happy sound. Forevermore. And yes, I am choosing to honor its spelling by performing the proper crescendo and decrescendo as specified by the capitalization.

  10. Juilliard is overrated, anyway. Raven-Symone!

  11. I can’t wait to buy this soundtrack. it is going to be EPIC!!!! I’m on team Miley.

  12. IT’S MILEY!

  13. I bought my tickets to New Moon on Fangdango. Get it, FANGdango? Yeah, you get it.

  14. Goddammit, Gabe! I read your entire entry before I watched the trailer, and I was SO DISAPPOINTED when it wasn’t what you described. Mummies and Beetlejuice? C’MON!

  15. Just spit out my coffee in laughter for some reason when I read this: “(Mom won’t get me a new backpack until next year, she says this one works perfectly fine even though I HATE it and I HATE her.) “

  16. I feel as old as Gabe because all this trailer made me think was “Greg Kinnear is one hot piece”. He deserves to be Jesus in every recreation of The Last Supper. Wowzers.

  17. UGH! Guys, I get special compensation here because I am a 15 year old girl so don’t hate me, but I am sure that at some point my friends will drag me to see it and I will CRYY and LOVE it and fall in love with Greg Kinnear because YUMM

  18. Andrew, stop smiling like that, it’s creeping me out.

  19. Miley’s mask is scarier than Nelson “The Man” Dela’s.

  20. What is up with Miley’s hair?? It’s like one piece! Just a piece of hair.

  21. A Walk to Remember 2: This Time The Girl Doesn’t Have Cancer

  22. Kinnear totes missed his mark on that sarcastic chuckle. It was SUPPOSED to be BEFORE the line “She’s not going.” Because obvs. Miley would never get in to Juliard. Amiright, guys?

  23. Teenage girls are so mean before they find their volleyballer/scuba diver boyfriend but then they’re like really sweet people.

  24. “Last” Song or no, I have a feeling there’s gonna be a sequel.

  25. ronnie is a terrible name for a girl. my apologies to any lady-monsters named ronnie, but that name is horrrrrible.

  26. The sad thing is, a lot of my friends (who are over 18 and therefore technically adults) will go see this. And they will love it.

  27. This movie is going to have so many uses of the word “sometimes”. I’ll take a guess and put it somewhere between My Blueberry Nights and a season of Scrubs.
    “Sometimes in life, you just gotta take a chance on life and sometimes *BARF*

  28. But does she get impregnated by an undead vampire? Because if not, meh.

  29. I love how Miley Cyrus doesn’t say a ward for the entire first two minutes, seemingly because she is a Brooding Teenager but actually because they marketing executives wanted to downplay the fact that she couldn’t get rid of her lispey accent (which she shares with not one of her movie family members). CLEVER!

  30. I’m still not convinced Nicholas Sparks is a man.

  31. What you need to know about this movie’s producer, Adam Shankman, according to Wikipedia: “He is Brendan Fraser’s exclusive choreographer.”

    EXCLUSIVE. So quit sending those resumes now, please. Though, whether those moves are of the “dance” or “terrible career” variety is unclear.

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