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Dear the ladies of The View,

You have GOT to be KIDDING me. What is wrong with you? Have the hot studio lights melted so much of the plastic holding your faces together that some of it has seeped into your brains? Your bizarre and inexplicable treatment of classic rape (not to be confused with rape-rape) over the past few months has been so strange, insensitive, and inappropriate, that I am starting to get the sense that you’re only famous because everyone has a soft spot for the mentally disabled.

I’m referring of course to an earlier episode in which you ladies discussed the Roman Polanski being a child rapist who is now in jail for raping children situation, and Whoopi Goldberg defended him by pointing out that we do not know if what he did to a 13-year-old girl was “rape” or “rape-rape.” There is a difference? There is a difference, apparently. And now this morning, Modern Family star Sofia Vergara made an incredibly unfortunate (if that is really the word to use for this, probably not) joke about how she was raped when she was a child and that is why she looks so great? She is beautiful, that’s true. I guess it must have been the make-believe rape.

LOL?

LOL, is what you guys say! You all laughed at this insufferable “joke”!

Uh. Some people are claiming that Whoopi is the only one who did not laugh, but I am not sure I believe this. That coughing at the end could just as easily be laughter-coughing. And besides, Whoopi Goldberg’s position on rape (and rape-rape) is already in question enough. She could have called in sick to this episode and I still would have found her non-existent reaction to be suspect.

Ladies of The View, I know how hard it must be to produce a one-hour talk show every morning. You can barely keep your eyes open on the limousine ride from your mansion to the studio, and then you spend an hour working very hard to not think at all about anything that you say before you say it. After that, you only have 20 hours left until you’ve got to do it all over again, and that doesn’t leave much time to sit around and drink white wine and continue to not think about anything whatsoever. Well, it leaves 20 hours to do that, but is that enough? Probably not!

And I understand that you are dealing with temperamental, egotistical celebrities who are just as eager as you to get back to their lukewarm swimming pools and the momentary existential relief of mindless athletic sex, and that the pressure for everyone to leave the set feeling like they got what they needed is very strong, and exhausting (exhausting? Sure) so perhaps you laugh at teenage-rape-victim-as-beauty-secret jokes out of sheer nervousness and fatigue. You wanted to keep your guest happy! And by the time you’d even processed what she had said, the moment had passed, and perhaps it was easiest just to move on.

Well how about you DON’T do that. Nervous laughter is terrible even when it is benign, which this was not, and it’s your job to listen (in easy, six minute stretches) to what people are saying to you for one hour a day. You’re paid fucking millions of dollars to be on national television with what are supposedly interesting and important opinions. ACT LIKE YOU DESERVE IT, YOU STUPID, STUPID ASSHOLES.

Sincerely,
Human Beings.

(Video via everywhere.)

Comments (42)
  1. Looks like someone raped a clown for breakfast (huh?)

  2. You know, I was all set to type an outraged reply to Sofia’s comments, but then I noticed her giant boobs, so now I’m all confused.

  3. This is really just a question of context.
    Rape joke on The View – Inappropriate
    Rape joke on stage – Ripping off Sarah Silverman
    Rape joke in a private setting – We all would have laughed
    And now I’ve categorized rape joke settings. Being alive is hard.

  4. I think she was just referencing why she had a child at 13, it was rape, because no 13 year old should have kids under a usual circumstance. I think the laughter was left over reaction stuff, and there were gasps, and whoopi coughed and stopped short…
    That said, I do get a kick out of the rape-rape tag.

  5. She’s clearly lived her life inside the comfort of a super-hot-bubble. In the super-hot-bubble, people will give you major roles on network sitcoms when you have no acting ability whatsoever and say that your story about how you once almost choked on a pistachio before you remembered to swallow is extremely interesting. They also laugh at your rape jokes.

  6. How did Sherri laugh at that?? I figured based on her show (which is so funny, it’s basically the second coming of Arrested Development) she would have a great sense of humor!

  7. Whoopi was on the verge (I mean Vergara…. no I don’t) of raising hackles about Sofia’s “joke” in an attenuated effort to win back some moral high-ground (moral high-ground looks different from The View). She stopped short upon realization that 13 year old sex is rape, and she already made her brilliant distinction.

    A cough was all that was left to her Oscar worthy sickness.

  8. Harry Connick Jr. knows that, in the age of youtube, if you?re televised witnessing something offensive, you have to speak up against it, even if the broadcast is only being watched by sixteen kangaroos.
    The ladies of The View, on the other hand, are stupid, stupid assholes

  9. the view needs to have more bank reviews, bus reviews and gadget talk. …just sayin’

  10. Rape joke while being raped – topical

  11. Didn’t you know? That whole “I have an 18-year-old son but still look super hot because I was raped when I was 13″ is a joke that has been passed down through oral storytelling in Columbia for hundreds of years.

    • It’s not that I don’t think you’re funny, but I’m downvoting you because I’m Colombian and it’s traditional to downvote anyone who doesn’t know how to spell our country’s name.

  12. Daamn, I wanted to see more, I think the last sentence that Barbra Walters said would have led to some awkward silences.

  13. dear the Gabe of the Videogum,

    LOTS OF LOVE!!!

    love,
    errone.

  14. She wishes these were brains.

  15. Nervous laughter is a totally appropriate and understandable response, especially given Sofia’s surprise attack. The fact that they pretended like it didn’t hear it is disgusting. Being a good host means sometimes asking uncomfortable questions; if a woman says she’s raped and you don’t address it, it’s dehumanizing and poor reporting.

  16. That’s not a laughter-cough. It’s Whoopi-ng cough.

    BEST JOKE EVER.

  17. In the view’s defense, they are idiots. This is important to remember.

  18. Ugh, I was really hoping no one would turn this discussion into a “look at her tits” initiative. On one hand, it is pretty brave to admit that you were raped on national television. Vergara wasn’t acting out for attention and wasn’t asking for anyone’s sympathy. Why isn’t she allowed to casually mention her own rape, especially in context? Gabe hit the nail on the head: the real problem here was that the View ladies did nothing but laugh (pretty joyfully, albeit nervously) and chose not to address what Vergara said at all.

  19. Well let’s do the math here.
    Her son is 18, she was 20 when she had him.
    That makes her 38.
    25 years ago she was 13.

    2009-25=1984.

    I think scientifically this clears her for a shot at a Roman Polanski “Rape/rape-rape” joke.

    Case closed.

  20. Did we date? I recall you stealing Hamiltons out of my wallet and returning from Nordstrom Rack with UGGs and leggings on. Bitch.

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