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If the publishing industry were not imploding right now, I would probably walk right into Graydon Wenner’s office and pitch him an idea for adding UGH Aficionado magazine to Guy Snoozehouse’s illustrious line of Condor Nash publications. “I’ve already got the first cover story,” I would say. From the AP (via HuffingtonPost*):
SAN FRANCISCO – A spokeswoman for Jaycee Dugard says only Dugard and her family should decide when and if a film is made based on the 18 years she spent with the man charged with kidnapping her.
The statement came after Shane Ryan — the director of low-budget horror movies such as “Amateur Porn Star Killer” and “Romance Road Killers” — announced that he expected to start production next month on “Abducted Girl, An American Sex Slave.”
Ryan told Sacramento television station KCRA that he wants to focus on the relationship between Dugard and Phillip Garido, the man charged with abducting, raping and holding her captive in his backyard.
Oh, is that what he wants to focus on? The relationship between a brainwashed young woman and her rapist kidnapper? We’re gonna need a bigger pair of Bad Idea Jeans! Do you guys remember the part in 2012 when the world was destroyed? That was pretty smart. And something tells me that this pornographer does not have the one billion Euros necessary to purchase safe-passage aboard the government’s A.R.K.S. I’m not saying that he needs to die, I’m just saying if everyone dies he doesn’t need to be saved. There’s a difference!
*I love that the HuffingtonPost has the appropriately disgusted and dismayed reaction to this news story–as they should, we are all only human–but then still manage to post a “Who Should Play Jaycee?” poll for their readers. COOL POLL, GUYS!
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That’s pretty fucking awful.
2012 needs to just eat our faces already.
But we haven’t even gotten a sequel to “Amateur Porn Star Killer” yet! I guess I’ll have to make it: “Amateur Talentless Tasteless Asshole Filmmaker Killer” starring me as The Monster.
What ever happened to the innocent days where a plumber would just go to a single or married woman’s home and have sex after he fixed the faucet?
This is an unfortunate illustration of a dead Latin phrase’s vibrancy and relevance: operatio esse sequitur (action follows being).
2012… Inches!
That is 167 ft. 8 inches. I’m pretty sure no creature has ever had a penis that big ever, and if it did STAY AWAYYY
Probably whales do. Whales are, like, the biggest things.
So true, Did you ever notice nobody ever uses the phrase “Hung like a Whale”?!?
AROUND!
Can’t they just change her name in the movie to Daycee Juggard?
We in no way support the making of this film, but wouldn’t Julia Stiles be perfect?
I know. Seriously that last line made me ill. Someone needs to force them to change the font in their name to something a little more less profesional.
Wow. What a great idea to base a soft-porn on. Life. Always thowing up these big entertainment ideas. Has anyone spoken to the Heene’s yet?
Wow. What a great idea to base a soft-porn on. Life. Always thowing up these big entertainment ideas. Has anyone spoken to the Heene’s yet?
Rats.
Um, so, can I assume that we’re not planning to flood the HuffingtonPost poll with votes for Topher Grace this time?
I have corrected your post to reflect what I am sure was your true intent:
“Um, so, can I assume that we are most definitely planning to flood the HuffingtonPost poll with votes for Topher Grace this time?”
Joking about this is the only thing keeping me from stabbing myself out of hatred for all mankind right now. I mean, seriously with this shit? SERIOUSLY?
Is he doing this before or after the Monopoly porn?
I’d take Julia Stiles to a hotel on Ventnor, if you know what I mean!
Gabe mabye include some polls in upcoming posts?
And colored pie charts!
YUM!
Let’s all make pornos of Columbine and 9/11 while we’re at it. Can we start the Holocaust back up? That’ll probably bring in a few dollars in the Jew hating market. And what’s that woman who drowned all her kids up to, let’s give her a talk show. From now on hate crimes are called “Love Crimes”.
My second thought was Jodie Sweetin could totally do that. My first thought, obviously, was UGH.
Gabe is on a slow-burn veer toward Nancy Graceland with such post-ending invectives.
Say what you will, but “Amateur Porn Star Killer” was a tasteful expose of oh God why does this exist
Oh man, Jaycee DugARD. I read it at first as DugGAR and was really confused as to why anyone would be interested in porn about really fertile Christians.
Not that this is any better.
We’re gonna need a bigger outrage.
I feel as if this warning comes to late. Low-budget “horror” auteur Shane Ryan feeds off your negative energies. He only grows larger and more radioactive with each appearance on Sacramento television stations. Outraged blog comments are like money to him, which he uses to buy more digital cameras. Please, hug a loved one and get involved in your communities.
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