Hollywood, as you may know, is moving ahead with a movie based on the board game Monopoly, because the world is out of ideas and we’re all just trying to find a way to fill the hours between now and 2012 of course they are. But this week, the LA Times has an interview with the screenwriter behind the movie, Frank Beddor, who discusses what the movie will actually be about, and let’s just say you should put in your prescription for crazy pills now, because I have a feeling we’re headed for a NATIONAL SHORTAGE.

“I created a comedic, lovable loser who lives in Manhattan and works at a real estate company and he’s not very good at his job but he’s great at playing Monopoly. And the world record for playing is 70 straight days – over 1,600 hours – and he wanted to try to convince his friends to help him break that world record. They think he is crazy. They kid him about this girl and they’re playing the game and there’s this big fight. And he’s holding a Chance card and after they’ve left he says, ‘Damn, I wanted to use that Chance card,’ and he throws it down. He falls asleep and then he wakes up in the morning and he’s holding the Chance card, and he thinks, ‘That’s odd.’”

Wait, the movie actually starts with a guy who really likes to play Monopoly? Haha. First of all, no one really likes to play Monopoly. (And also, no one is “great” at playing Monopoly? It is a game of the most tedious chance.) Second of all, isn’t that kind of like if the Pirates of the Caribbean movie had been set in Disneyworld? ANYWAY, it gets better (worse):

“He’s all groggy and he goes down to buy some coffee and he reaches into his pocket and all he has is Monopoly money. All this Monopoly money pours out. He’s confused and embarrassed and the girl reaches across the counter and says, ‘That’s OK.’ And she gives him change in Monopoly money. He walks outside and he’s in this very vibrant place, Monopoly City, and he’s just come out of a Chance Shop. As it goes on, he takes on the evil Parker Brothers in the game of Monolopy [sic]. He has to defeat them. It tries to incorporate all the iconic imageries — a sports car pulls up, there’s someone on a horse, someone pushing a wheelbarrow — and rich Uncle Pennybags, you’re going to see him as the maître d’ at the restaurant and he’s the buggy driver and the local eccentric and the doorman at the opera. There’s all these sight gags.”

Uh…

I love how complicated this movie is even just to explain, but I appreciate that the writer didn’t leave out ANY of the IMPORTANT details. His friends tease him about some girl and they get in a fight. You’ll see when the movie comes out, but it’s just very important to know ahead of time that his friends definitely tease him about a girl and then get into a fight. Also, MONOPOLY CHANGE? Phew. Ever since the story of the Monopoly movie first broke I have been like, “well, IS THERE OR IS THERE NOT GOING TO BE MONOPOLY CHANGE IN THE MOVIE?” That is what I have been like, ask anyone.

This movie seriously sounds incredible. What a nightmare. The evil Parker Brothers. Unbelievable. What time does Fandango open? Should I get in line now?

Comments (77)
  1. Wait. Does he win $10 in a beauty contest? I NEED TO KNOW!

  2. “I’m like Charlie Kauffman, you guys–except for Monolopy [sic],” is what this guy is telling all his friends.

  3. Call me a doubting Thomas, but I’m having trouble believing the Parker Brother Corporation would license a movie where their iconic founders are portrayed as evil plutocrats. Frank Beddor sounds like a 12-year-old me describing my take on a He-Man movie.

  4. We should totally come up with the rest of the details of this movie. I mean, none of us has seen it or the screenplay but we ALREADY KNOW HOW IT’LL PLAY OUT. Right?

    He’s going to be desperately looking for a place to park a car, and somebody will say to him, What are you doing? This is FREE PARKING.

    He’ll need to collect his paycheck at a place called GO.

    His Monopoly City girlfriend is going to live…at the end of Boardwalk.

    He’s going to have to pay a LUXURY TAX and it’s going to take him 20 minutes to figure out if it is cheaper to pay $200 rather than 15 percent.

  5. I thought it would be about a family who wind up in a never-ending game of Monopoly, where no matter how far behind one player is, the mom will always loan him money or do something against the rules and it just keeps going on and on and on until they all hate each other and may or may not wind up starving to death but everyone’s too bored at that point to care. That, I think, most people can relate to when it comes to Monoply. But instead it’s basically Jumanji. With Monopoly. Except Jumanji was a game full of whimsy. You know, the consequences were kind of exciting and interesting. In Monopoly, the most that ever happens is you have to stay at an expensive hotel. That’s NOT WHIMSICAL.

  6. I hope Topher Grace signs on to be the banker.

  7. All I know is the iron better make an appearance. Maybe there’s a climactic scene where he needs to iron his clothes? Maybe there’s an evil clothes pin that pricks his finger so he needs to buy a thimble? Who’s to say? It sounds like Oscar gold to me.

  8. I think Change doesn’t mean Fun Coins. More like, this latte is a Round 4 Monopoly Dollars. And you gave me a Twenty. Here is your 16 in change.

    Idk, I’m trying to interpret a half-wit, breathless with excitement over his own “genius.”

  9. The movie comes to an ambiguous ending. The man wakes up, seemingly from a dream. But on his right thumb? A thimble.

    Boom goes the mind-amite.

  10. aetgnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn mmmmm

  11. I’m now excitedly looking forward to the Bargain Hunters movie.

  12. It looks like anyone can be a screenwriter. He?s so articulate, with all those ?and then..??s.

  13. The unfortunate thing is that this film passed go and will collect so many $200. Too bad there is no get out of Worst free card IRL!

  14. So the Monopoly movie is about playing Monopoly in a dream about Monopoly that was brought on by a fight that took place during Monopoly? Uncle Pennybags?

  15. this will not be amazing

  16. man, i love playing monopoly. no joke. mainly because as a broke non-profit worker who doesn’t own a house or a car or any other trappings of wealth, i find it kind of fun (or sad? not sure) to pretend i am a powerful capitalist who is going to crush her enemies, one neon five hundred bill at a time. mwahahahaha.

  17. This movie is going to be seven hours long and no one will have any fun.

    Its like they captured the true essence of an actual game of Monopoly!

  18. if i ever woke up with a chance card in my hand, i, too, would say, ‘that is odd’. because i do not play monopoly. because i am a grown up.

  19. Who wants to write the Scrabble movie with me?

  20. We own this shit. #monopolymovietaglines

  21. Roll the dice. #monopolymovietaglines

  22. Gwenyth Paltrow will play the shoe.

  23. A boy who needs a friend finds a world that needs a hero #monopolymovietaglines

  24. You will never get a more vehement, forceful, shouted NO! out of me than asking if I “wanna play Monopoly?” My usual response is: “For how many fucking hours?” I feel the same way about this movie.

  25. Dudes, let’s get this Connect Four movie going. “Fours Will Be Connected!” #letitdiealready

  26. This summer, DO NOT PASS GO(OD FUN!) #monopolymovietaglines

  27. I think someone’s been scoring meth on Baltic Avenue.

  28. I hope that entire quote is not an interview but the logline for the movie.

  29. One of his friends is like, “Monopoly again? Can’t we play Sorry?” And then the main character is like, “Fuck Sorry! That’s weaksauce, holmes!” (the main character is Jack Black).

  30. Lou Dobbs quits CNN and not long after, a Monopoly movie is announced? Lifty veils.

  31. I hope Gary Busey plays Mr Moneybags.

  32. Just in time for the housing crisis. #monopolymovietaglines

  33. The only way to “enjoy” Monopoly is to win, and the only way to win is to cheat. Excerpted from my upcoming column in Duh Aficionado magazine.

  34. cant wait!!!!!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

  35. And now RISK, you guys. A movie about a game about trying to dominate the world through warfare and not even the little plastic pieces get hurt. Because the last 9 years didn’t happen.

    “Ridley Scott has been talking about directing Monopoly for some time now. Peter Berg is still waiting to board a Battleship movie. Kevin Lima is going to take us to Candyland. And now, Sony Pictures is planning a big screen adaptation of RISK.”

    http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/news/sony-rolls-dice-on-risk-board-game-movie-neilm.php

    • “The strategic thinking and the tactical gambles that players must take in the game are what make RISK a classic, thoroughly engaging game. Those elements translated into an action-packed, thrilling story are what will make this a uniquely exciting movie.?

      So at what point does Hollywood officially become a parody of itself, because I feel it’s coming dangerously close.

  36. This summer, escape to a world where your friends won’t tease you about that girl.
    #monopolymovietaglines

  37. This summer, one movie will have a Monopoly on your local theater. #taglines

  38. If this movie is successful, we can look forward to sequels like Betty Boop Monopoly, Shrek Monopoly, and Hard Rock Cafe Monopoly.

  39. I really think there needs to be an official governmental office that gets to approve what movies should be made and what should not. He/She would have a big stamp with YES or NO! on it and all day long they stamp the movie ideas stacked on their desk. Monopoly wold get a NO! and then everyone involved would not be allowed to work in movies for 10 years, no parole! Though I don’t think I’d agree with Gabe every time I think he would be a good candidate for this office.

  40. The one movie that may actually be more infuriating than playing a game of monopoly. #monopolymovietaglines

  41. Has this already been brought to the attention of the videogum community?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs
    I like to laugh. But so often there is only cause for tears.

  42. I bet the prison system is wildly overcrowded in monopoly city because the police probably send every pedestrian who walks in some arbitrary square of sidewalk to jail.

  43. Of all the Uncle Pennybags occupational sight gags, I’m going to keep my eyes the most peeled for the local eccentric.

  44. what happens in the movie world when the parker brothers get pissed and flip the board?

  45. Am I the only one who owns a Monopoly strategy guide? No joke, I own a Monopoly strategy guide. It’s got tables and percentages and now I know which properties are the most valuable. (I would tell you but then you would beat me.)

    (The oranges)

  46. Hey, they said Battleship wouldn’t work, and look how that turned out.

    So yeah, this does seem like a bad idea.

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