Relax, Lou Dobbs, who is obviously reading this, and going into rampant speculation about what it might mean for his future: you are not getting your own Videogum column. Nice try, OLD MAN! But as you may have heard, Lou Dobbs left CNN yesterday. Not only that, but he left abruptly, and he left entirely. From the AP:

CNN’s Lou Dobbs, a lightning rod for criticism following his transition from a business journalist to an opinionated anchor on such issues as illegal immigration, told viewers on Wednesday that he was quitting his nightly show to pursue new opportunities.

“This will be my last broadcast,” Dobbs said after giving the day’s headlines. Dobbs, who hosts a daily radio show unrelated to CNN, said the network had allowed him to be released early from his contract.

Whoa! And I mean “whoa!” in the strictest Joey Lawrence definition of the word. Now, the New York Times is positing that this is a pretty simple career decision, based on a directive from CNN president Jonathan Klein. “Mr. Dobbs could vent his opinions on radio and anchor an objective newscast on television, or he could leave CNN.” So Lou Dobbs decided to abandon his role as an actual journalist to pursue his career as a moron, posits the New York Times. But I am positing (always be positing) that the New York Times doesn’t know what the heck it is talking about (as per usual) and that Lou Dobbs is leaving because of a CRAZY SCANDAL!

Obviously, being a CNN anchor is not the same as being a, say, politician. As David Letterman has proved in recent weeks, television personalities can not only weather a scandal, they can thrive from one. (Topical!) But the theory of Occam’s Razor dictates that the simplest answer is most likely the correct answer, unless the answer is because of a CRAZY SCANDAL! I am positive that I am applying Occam’s razor correctly, and you might as well drop out of college now, because you know everything you’re going to need to know for your whole life.

So what was the scandal?!

“But, Gabe, there probably wasn’t any scandal.”

What’s that? All I heard was SHEEPLE being lead to the SHLAUGHTER HOUSE! You guys can keep your eyes closed to the truth (which is out there) if you want, but I for one want to know what made Lou Dobbs leave CNN abruptly besides a simple calculation that in today’s fractured media structure there is more money to be made in broadcasting unapologetically bombastic and unsubstantiated opinions than there is in actual news. There most have been something else besides that, something so crazy and so scandalous. I’ll find it. I probably won’t find it. But I will find it. R.I.P. Lou Dobbs. I will avenge your death! We have to find the one-armed man! I think I’m losing the thread here.

New goal: I will find the thread! In the meantime, though, can Damon Weaver have Lou Dobbs’s old job? He’s the best, duh.

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Comments (32)
  1. Lou Dobbs: I Want To Believe (that none of this actually matters)

  2. It’s not my joke, but it’s one I like:

    Lou Dobbs is leaving to spend more time with his racism.

  3. I read “always be positing” as “always be posting.” And I was like, yeah, Videogum do always be posting. I can hardly keep up and it’s great!

  4. But now who will motivate me to run at the gym? Although it is probably for the best – never escaping him was beginning to get frustrating, and the other gym patrons were alarmed when I tried to chew off my leg.

  5. Please let it be a solo sex tape, please let it be a solo sex tape. (TOPICAL!)

  6. Obviously CNN was catching too much heat from BastaDobbs.com. (I just learned about this website but it’s my new favorite URL. RIP BastaDobbs.com.)

  7. That settles it. Joey’s back… and he’s on the case. (by that I mean not only am I putting my old avatar back, I also would like to see J-Lo *the original* take L-Dobb’s old job.)

  8. it takes brass balls to posit about Lou Dobb’s career moves

  9. POSSIBLE SCANDALS: Lou Dobbs was secretly sleeping with David Letterman’s coworkers. Lou Dobbs’ xenophobia was just a means to artificially drive up the price of Lou Dobbs’ secret coyote human-trafficking operation. Lou Dobbs’ xenophobia was secretly just a result of hefty payouts designed to make Dov Charney look like a decent human being. Lou Dobbs secretly has Jeff Dunham’s hand up his ass.

  10. they tolerate and breed your shit on Fox, but this is CNN for christ’s sake.
    we have standards?

  11. The scandal is that underneath his white devil skin, he himself is an illegal immigrant. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

  12. Lou Dobbs is terrible, obviously, but damned if thats not a classy portrait.
    I’m switching all of my photo backdrop colors to Toasty Ochre.

  13. You’re all kidding right? Occam’s Razor theory put to work: DUH Lou Dobbs has a black mistress. And she is fiiiiiiiiiiiine, I’ll bet. With a name like Bunny. Give it time, it’ll come out. Oh and he also has undocumented workers for housekeepers. Oh yeah and he’s a revisionist. Give it time. Wait for it. Train’s a comin.

  14. ONE ARMED MAN!!!!!!

  15. The way he worded his farewell made it seem like he wants to run for office, which, in my eyes is equally if not more jacked-up than any conceivable scandal. Go ahead and run, Lou. We’re all looking forward to it. {snicker}

  16. “Always be positing.”
    “Coffee’s for positors only.”
    -Select dialogue from Glengarry Glen Rossgum

  17. Network, anyone?

  18. SCANDAL: Lou Dobbs has a little Captain in him.

  19. test. hi lou dobbs! test.

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